priority.

Christmas list item 1:

old habits.

for the past couple of days i find myself slipping back into hold habits and thinking about what would happen if i were to indulge myself in them. its actually quite disappointing when i think about it. after all this time and all that i've been through, one small gesture and im right back where i started. i truly am a hopeless dousch. i really need to buckle down and get my shit together. i do not have any room for regression.

but for fucks sake...for you.

swiss army romance

one of my all time favorite songs.

sure know something

so im putting together a live playlist on my ipod and found this song tucked into one of the corners of my ipod.

whatttttttttttttttttttttt

amazon.com you slick mother sucker

what started as a SPAM folder clearing session ended up coming with a $22 invoice from amazon. WHY MUST I BE SO WEAK OF A PERSON

well at least i can look forward to adding ghost brigades by john scalzi and starship troopers by robert a. heinlien to by library. wee.

no coffee.

caffeine free for 48+ hours.
why did no one tell me that coffee makes you feel like shit? sure you get that jolt for a couple of hours but after those couple of hours are over you drag your feet and start slurring your words.

i havent felt so energetic at 9:30 in a long time. WOOOOHOOOOOOOOO

playlist 1: sleep

so if youre even the slightest bit like me, you are starving for some new music or just something that you haven't heard before.

ive been overhauling my ipod recently, adding new music and playing around with some playlists. my very first priority, while compiling my lists, is the music i turn on when i sleep. I ABSOLUTELY CAN NOT HAVE A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP WITHOUT SOMETHING PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND. perhaps ive had my parents read to me in bed for entirely too long but this is just something i must have.
mind you this is still a rough compilation so there are still some tweaks needed to be made.

HIGHLIGHTS: (songs i really like right now)

ne-yo - so you can cry
raphael saadiq - ohh girl
gavin rossdale - love remains the same
deathcab for cutie - i will follow you into the dark
noel gallagar - cast no shadow
snow patrol - crack the shutters


http://www.mediafire.com/?sharekey=dd31d2fe2d56a9f1ab1eab3e9fa335cadb60939fb9b840cd

eugh...

its hard. i really dont ever like to admit it. the only person i would be fooling is myself if i really sit here and believe that this is a bearable situation. but what other options do i have? it does feel unfair that i have been placed here. being forced to age 15 years, when i am really not ready for it, is wearing on me. i have never ever been this tired in my life. the last time i was even close to this is when i smashed into a telephone pole last summer (RIP my baby elantra. i will always remember you.)

funny thing is...i willing place myself here. i drown myself in work and my other responsibilities because i KNOW that if i dont...my mind will wander and start to want things that i know i can not have right now. its a tough balance to try maintain, to be honest. but its okay because i know in my heart that if i were doing anything else the guilt would eat me alive. this is where i need to be. this is what i need to be doing. i know someday...one day my sacrifices will pay off but until then i will soldier on. i will allow my heart to continually be battered because ive learned it will mend, eventually. no recognition needed. all that i require is my own sense to fulfillment. knowing that im doing what is right is all i need.

soon i will look to make myself truly happy again. but not until i know ive reinforced my foundation.

wish me luck.